Me and Jesus are like this [crosses fingers]

The other day I was sitting in traffic behind some van with the following adornments: 1) a license plate holder that read, "Jesus is Lord", 2) a bumper sticker that read, "Jesus loves you. Do you love Jesus?", 3) a jesus fish in the rear window and, 4) a personalized license plate that read, "JZUSRLZ". If that is not reason enough to make sure your camera is handy with a fully charged battery at all times, then I don't know what is.

A note has been made.

Comments

[Egan]

"Sprizee, this is Jesus talking. Please make sure you have your camera batteries charged at all times. It's important you spread my good name all across the globe. I am insecure and the more you talk about me the better your chances are you will make it to heaven or be saved in the event of a rapture. Thank you Sprizee."

God out!

[sprizee]

Word, Big G!

Glad to see there's no hard feelings about that time I took your name in vain, or that other time laughed so hard I nearly peed myself after my friend told me a story about driving his truck into a church on the day of another friend's wedding, or that time I said I met this guy that was you. And people think you don't have a sense of humor. Hmpf!

[Egan]

[enter God]

"Sprizee, I do indeed have a sense of humor. The rapture thing is just a cruel joke. You know it's my version of that amazing Ashton Kutcher show Punk'd. Except I call it Nail'd.

I do remember that day well when your friend drove a truck into one of my churches. I thought your friend used my name in vain that day, so I thought it would be good for him to lose control of his truck. He needed some perspective. Hey, Sprizee.. you know I am a carpenter right? Now, I had your friend crash because my church needed repairing and it's well known how much I love woodwork."

God out!

[Hal Jordan]

Y'all are going to hell for this blasphemy.

[sprizee]

Hal, I hope you're right.

[crosses fingers]

See you there!

[Egan]

[God enters stage left]

"Hal, how are you today? How's your walk with God? I don't want to gloat, but I need to make sure you and I are tiyight and ayight before proceeding.

This Carol woman, why do you feel it's okay to call her a bitch? What did she do to you on September 10th of two zero zero four? Let me understand so we can heal together. That's what my love is all about.

Well, it's also about those John 3:16 signs I make sports fans wave feverishly. They think those signs will get them to heaven as a way of showing their love for me. However, I can see through this. It's just a litmus test to see who the sheep are. My true followers show their appreciation for me by purchasing products off of one of the many tv networks I operate. Nothing shows your love for me more than a Jesus bobblehead. Donate now and often to my cause. Excuse me now, I have to stage dive into the crowd."

God out!

[Howard Muhlberg]

An Israeli paratrooper is about to make his first practice jump from a plane. He asks his sargeant what he should do if his parachute doesn't open. The sargeant says he should pull the back up cord. The paratrooper asks what he should do if that doesn't work.

The sargeant says, "Well some of the guys have said that a prayer works. Just say, 'Shalom, the hand of God.'"

The paratrooper jumps, pulls the first cord and nothing happens. Pulls the second cord. Still nothing. Says out loud, "Shalom, the hand of God."

Suddenly, the clouds part and a gigantic hand swoops down from the sky and catches the paratrooper.

The paratrooper exclaims, "Jesus Christ!", and the hand disappears.

[Egan]

[God clears his throat]

"Sprizee, come with me now!"

-God out!

[Egan]

[God peers around corner and mouths the following threat]

"Don't make me shuffle my feet!"

[Murphy]

okay. will the real god please stand up.

also spriz. are you saying that you did not have your camera to photograph said vehicle?!

[Kelwhy]

My whole faith is crashing down around me....

[Egan]

[sleepy God checks in for the last time to make sure his work on this post is complete]

"The real God is busy can't you see. I can't stand up at this point. But if that's reference to Eminem, I got it. I am a hip God you see. When Fifty Cent and The Game called a truce, I was there. When Sprizee and Murphy started their blogs on the same day, don't think that was just coincidence. It was divine intervention.

Kelwhy, your faith in me mustn't be shattered. Just remember God loves you no matter what and you will be safe. Just don't be flashy with your love for me. God doesn't enjoy hordes of people and I don't need my own blog. I have this one I can channel through. Thank you my dearest Sprizee!"

-God out (cold)