Introducing Gretchen: My Amazingly Passive Aggressive Passat

Listen up car.  That trick you played on me today.  So. Not. Cool.  Here I am offering my coworker's a ride out for lunch and what do you do but decide you're not going to start.   Look.  They already tell me five times a day that I should dump your sorry old ass after you stopped allowing the windows to roll down long, long ago.  But this time you've taken it too far. 

Sure, it wasn't nice for Tony to ask when I was going to kick you to the curb as soon as he sat on you, but seriously!  There's no reason to pull shit like that on me and simply refuse to start.  It's so freaking uncalled for, beeeeyotch.

Then after my coworkers and I ended up driving out for lunch in another coworker's car and finally returned, you were still sitting in the parking lot pouting.  So fucking like you!  Again my coworkers gave me crap for putting up with your shit, but I politely explained I needed to see what was up with you.  What was up with you is you were STILL being a big whiny bitch who refused to start, so I went back inside and joined my coworkers in a bitch session revolving around all the ways you suck.  Windows broken, missing pieces, a trunk that won't open using the key.

Time out called.  I let you sit in the parking lot and think about how awful you treat me despite all the love I shower on you. So finally, I decided to call for backup.  But as soon as you heard I was calling Triple A, of course, you turned right over, you miserable bitch.  I should have just threatend you with that in the first place.  Damn it.

Yes, I said it.  You are a miserable bitch.  But you're my miserable bitch and I still love you.

Unless you refuse to start again when I'm ready to leave work tonight.  In that case, you're going down for the count.  Seriously.  Don't make me get all scrap yard on your ass.

Comments

[kirk]

The passats manufactured in the 21st century are quite nice. They don't even use keys anymore. They use some space fob and you push a button like in a mini or something. And like the rolls royce come have an umbrella holder in the door.

And get this: They start when you push that button. And the windows roll down. And it smells like a new car inside! And if anything breaks you get a loaner car while the guys fix the car. The only downside is you'll have a car payment. But considering how much time you spend in your car, aren't you worth it?

[Sprizee]

You sound just like Tony. Except he told me to get a Mini Cooper.

[Sprizee]

Sorry, MINI Cooper. I had to correct myself before Egan beat me to it.

[Johnny]

I'll call Xzibit right away.

[jme]

keep the car, every relationship goes thru ruff patches

[egan]

How the hell did I miss this post? Oh yeah, Portland.