This year, after some heavy lobbying on my part, all the employees at my office ended up with Target gift cards as a small thank you for all our hard work. I couldn't be happier about this. As I've said before, I love Target. If Target was a guy, I would be forced to kick the The Dude to the curb and run away with it. Yes, I love Target. That much. But apparently, according to a coworker, Target is responsible for the moral decay of society. Damn, I'm always missing the important memos.
Not to worry. Thanks to the InternetS, I found the memo that support her claim. (If you'd prefer to google this, just type in "Target Ban Salvation Vibrator Support Walmart". You know you want to. So much fun!) It's good for a laugh, or twenty. Target is the devil, basically, because the American Family Association says so. (Here's the kicker. The AFA encourages people to support Walmart instead. Yep, credibility of Michael Jackson, still 3 more points than the AFA last time I checked.) Until 5 hours ago I had never heard of the AFA.
The coworker who filled me in is new to the company so I didn't know where she was going with the conversation when I casually remarked about my unrequited love for the big red bulls eye. And, in her defense, she didn't immediately start foaming at the mouth but somehow Target not supporting The Salvation Army led to a complaint about Target supporting gays which led to a complaint about Target selling vibrators which led to Target being the Antichrist. I just let her talk, instead of doing what I normally would and point out all the flaws and hypocrisy in her arguments.
Thankfully, my silence paid off because, suddenly, she started spouting off about the things they teach these days in sex ed classes and how it isn't the schools job to teach kids about he birds and the bees. She went on to say that her nine year old daughter just had a sex ed class at her private Christian school and that she learned a lot from reviewing the materials. Hold on, I want to make sure this all sinks in. Not the daughter. The mother, my forty something year old coworker, learned a lot about sex from the SEX ED CLASS MATERIAL AT A CHRISTIAN SCHOOL. Here is where I start to see where she's coming from and, just to clue you in, where she's coming from is a very dark cave in the middle of no where.
Then she told me about how someone told her to truly have "safe" sex you have to use four condoms. Yes, that sounds right because last time I checked safe sex means both parties must be completely numb of all sensations to make the sex truly safe. Sounds SAFE! to me! I think she mentioned something about a christian doctor telling her this and that the drug companies keep it a secret because it doesn't fit their agenda. Are you kidding me? Anything that moves more product off the shelf fits the drug company's agenda. Drug companies may not have high moral but they certainly can do simple math. FOUR CONDOMS? Think of all the money they could make it people actually believed that. I so wanted to tell her my thoughts on the matter but I found her point of view so fascinating I couldn't help but nod my head and allow her to continue spouting off.
I thought about saying, "Look lady. Just because you think sex is dirty and wrong and if you touch yourself with something that vibrates you're going to hell, that doesn't mean it's true. I don't remember anything about that in The Bible. I remember Jesus teaching tolerance and love and acceptance. Not shame and hate, but maybe I missed the 'thou shall only have sex with four condoms' commandment".
The best part was that she totally just assumed that I was with her on the whole thing. Not to mentioned how in her mind a "neck massager" was directly linked to supporting anti-Christian lifestyles, you know, like all those gay people. Poor misguided thing. I hope she gets a vibrator for Christmas. Lord knows she needs one.
P.S. Almost added a new category called People Are Dumb.
P.P.S. Then I realized most of the posts in this category would end up being about me and all the reasons I'm dumb.
